When my husband and I got engaged, the most repetitive advice we received from many married couples was “communication is key.” Communication is and can be tough when putting two people together because communication means something different to each individual as each individual has different expectations. As technology continues to grow, our social cues are becoming more ambiguous in our day. We have smartphones now that don’t require us to communicate with each other directly because we are able to text without having to show emotion or think too hard about our responses.
Communication includes words, tone, and non-verbal (actions). How often do we use the three when communicating? We use about 14% words, 35% tone, and 51% non-verbal. When we use texting to communicate, we are only using words. When we speak over the phone, we use words and tone. With texting, we are not able to use tone so we plug in emoji’s to replace tone.
Communication at times is not the best between my husband and me so if you have a hard time communicating with your significant other, I hope applying what I share will help. David D. Burns, MD, came up with The Five Secrets of Effective Communication also known as EAR meaning Empathy, Assertiveness, and Respect.
Empathy is the ability to listen and relate to other people. When an individual has empathy, he/she except other people rather than attempt to change them. When expressing empathy, there is thought empathy and feeling empathy. Thought empathy is being able to paraphrase other words. Feeling empathy is being able to understand others emotions and acknowledge their feelings. As you express empathy, ask gentle questions to learn more about what others are thinking and feeling.
Assertiveness is being specific when expressing your feelings. It is important to be tactful, using low-key, dignified language. When communicating your feelings use these steps:
- When: event/situation
- I feel/I felt: show and verbalize emotion NOT judgment
- Because: thoughts
- I would like: share hope
This past weekend, I was upset with my husband for not wanting to help me fold laundry even though he had promised me he would help. Now keep in mind I was asking him to fold laundry at midnight and he was tired but instead of looking at the facts that it was late and he was tired, I was upset he was not following through with his promise and I said some words that I now regret. If I had inserted assertiveness into our conversation, this is how it would look…
“When you didn’t want to help me fold laundry, I felt hurt because I thought you would be supportive of me asking because you know I feel stressed with having a messy living environment. I would like it if you would fulfill the promises you make.”
The last step is Respect. It is important to have an attitude of respect and to intentionally go out of your way to express authentic and genuine admiration or appreciation when communicating with others. It is so easy and natural to focus more on the negatives rather than the positives of ourselves and our significant others. But to have good communication, we must strive to get past feelings of frustration and not only tell but show that we do love and appreciate them. Something my husband and I love to do to show appreciation for one another is something we call “warm fuzzies.” Since the day we got married, every night we tell each other a warm fuzzy or something positive we saw in one another that day. This helps us focus on the positive and look at the good in each other so there is no room to look for and focus only on the negatives and imperfections we have.
How is your communication with you and your loved one(s)? if you haven’t tried the EAR method, I invite you to apply it and see how it may change your communication when difficulties or disagreements arise with your significant other, family, and friends.
You can find The Five Secrets of Effective Communication here
https://feelinggood.com/2016/12/12/014-the-five-secrets-of-effective-communication-part-1/
Family Relations 