In the last entry, I talked about the importance of dating and the steps that follow like courtship, engagement, and marriage. In class this week we made a list of reasons NOT to do these steps.
Good reasons NOT to date too many people:
- Hard to settle
- Too much effort
- It is burdensome
- Already satisfied with you know of the people already dated
- Negative feedback from society or peers
- More time to focus on career and education
- A lot of money
Good reasons NOT to court:
- Commitment
- Close off other options
- Feel young or not ready
- Fear
- Time and money
- Emotionally draining
Good reasons NOT to propose:
- Fear of rejection
- Fear of debt
- Family influence
Like these steps, everything else in life also has reasons to not do it such as the career of our dreams or getting a higher education. Having a list of cons does not mean we should not make an effort to do it. If one’s goal is marriage, it is important to fulfill each step to build a foundation in the relationship. The more we date, the more we understand how to be a better partner because there is always room for improvement. This does not mean everyone has to date a lot of people because we are all different we must do what is best for ourselves. For example, my sister married her first boyfriend whereas I dated a few men and when I met my husband we dated for almost a year before committing to marriage. In each case, my sister and I felt we had found our one and felt prepared to have full-time obligations before committing to marriage.
In any relationship, more so in marriage, there are transitions.
Marital Transitions:
- Children
- Being with someone 24/7
- Work
- Finance
- Mutual decision making
- Living circumstances change
Many of us are not prepared for the changes that come with marriage. We each have individual living circumstances that we are accustomed to. After marriage, adapting to another individual who has their own living circumstances can be tough. One thing my husband and I had to compromise on was organization. I have OCD so I am a clean freak. My husband on the other is not a clean freak. While he is organized, he believes, “If I am living here, I want to it to look like I’m living here,” and allows things to get out of order in the home while I clean everything such as organize the pillows every time I get up or put the blankets away when I get off the couch, EVEN if I am not done using them. Weird, right?! For me, having a mess or items being out of their place gives me anxiety! After a couple of months, we sat down and discussed our differences and compromised on how to better our living situation. We agreed that I would stop cleaning everything every chance I had and he agreed to be more organized so I didn’t lose my mind. Now our apartment is now clean and organized but looks like it is lived in and feels like home.
From friends and family members I have seen that transitions can either make or break a marriage. With my marriage, I have learned the important thing to remember is that healthy relationships experience transitions. Transitions help the relationship grow and keep it alive. My advice? Don’t go into transitions blindly if you can help it. Prepare yourself. When you are prepared, you will be able to handle new things that come your way and the stress that comes from transition will be lower. At the end of the day, remember that no person is perfect. No marriage is perfect. Having a vision and communication in your relationship is key to be successful when you face transitions in your marriage.
Family Relations 