Sex. There are couples who shy away from talking about sex or even saying the word. Sex is not a dirty word. It is ok to say the word and to talk about it, especially with our spouses. Sex or intimacy is supposed to be beautiful and sacred. Within a marriage, couples may avoid this topic but avoiding it only causes problems. Did you know that sexual problems are one of the causes of divorce within the first couple of years of marriage? Once married, it is not only important to cleave unto one another, as the Bible states, but when sexual needs are not being met, to also communicate about our sexual desires and satisfaction.
What happens when there is no open communication about intimacy? Studies show that individuals turn to other materials whether it be in the form of music, literature, TV, or pornography because it is readily available and helps relieve negative feelings while helping them feel satisfied momentarily. While this may help the individual momentarily, it creates unrealistic expectations from one’s self and their partner that will cause additional problems and conflict in the marriage. Conflict about sexual practices will put a drain on the marriage which can lead to separation and eventually divorce.
Currently, I am reading Successful Marriages and Families. One chapter puts its focus on marital sexuality and fertility and provides five “attitudes that help promote positive marital sexuality:
- Sexual interaction is a healthy component of marriage that need not be a source of negative feelings or guilt.
- Married persons deserve to feel good about their bodies and to view sexual expression as a normal, healthy part of their marriage.
- A primary component of marital sexuality is giving and receiving pleasure-oriented touching in the context of an intimate, committed, and divinely supported relationship. As such, it requires relaxation and focus on the other person as well as on one’s own pleasure.
- Sexuality should be expressed in a way that enhances your intimate, marital relationship and bonds you together.
- Couples should strive to create a “we” relationship, where both partners’ sharing and pleasure is important as opposed to one person individually focused on what she or he will get out of the experience. (Hawkins, Dollahite, & Draper 2012, p. 52)”
Growing up, my parents gave me the bird’s and bee’s talk once then it was never brought up again. I am sure if I wanted to talk about it my parents would have obliged. However, I felt uncomfortable asking them because sex was not a word spoken in the home. I felt like it was a bad thing until I was married and once married it was only to make children. Yes, intimacy does play a part in creating children and increasing family size but that is not all intimacy is about it. God created and gave us intimacy so couples can become one and strengthen the bonds of marriage both in the emotional and spiritual aspect.
In the same chapter, a teenage girl asked her mother if sex is better than candy. The mother’s response, in my opinion, expressed much truth. The mother replied, “Oh yes, dear, with your husband in an eternal marriage, sex is far better than candy” (Hawkins, Dollahite, & Draper 2012, p. 49). The truth in the mother’s response teaches that in the right context, sex brings joy and this is why it is important to cleave unto each other and not turn to other people or materials when there is a storm with intimacy. Remember, there is sunshine after a storm. With communication, time, and experience, the bedroom will become a happy place where each other’s intimacy needs and satisfaction will and can be met.
Reference:
Hawkins, A. J., Dollahite, D. C., & Draper, T. (2012). Successful marriages and families: Proclamation principles and research perspectives. Provo, UT: BYU Studies and School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.
Family Relations 